Why some marriages thrive on conflict

虽然成功的婚姻不是一门精确的科学，但是科学和常识表明，对伴侣的积极的思维和行为举止是有益的。然而一个心理学家建议，对于一些夫妻而言，从长远看，消极的思想和行为实际上更好。

为什么一些婚姻在冲突中走向美满？

 

爸妈在线 译

While a successful marriage is not an exact science， science (and common sense) suggests thinking and behaving in a positive way toward one''s partner is beneficial. However， one psychologist proposes that for some couples， negative thoughts and actions may actually be better in the long run.
虽然成功的婚姻不是一门精确的科学，但是科学和常识表明，对伴侣的积极的思维和行为举止是有益的。然而一个心理学家建议，对于一些夫妻而言，从长远看，消极的思想和行为实际上更好。

For couples who experience frequent， serious problems， such negative behavior as placing blame on one’s spouse， commanding him or her to change， and being less forgiving seem to be the best way to breed a happy marriage.
对于那些经常问题不断的夫妻，一些消极的行为，如责怪配偶，要求他或她做出改变，表现的不宽容等等，都是培养幸福婚姻的最佳途径。

Such advice seems counterintuitive， but James McNulty， a psychologist at the University of Tennessee， says what works for happy couples may not work for those with more problems.
这些意见似乎是违反直觉的，但詹姆斯.麦克纳尔蒂，美国田纳西州大学心理学家认为，那些适用于幸福夫妻的方法，对于问题夫妻可能并不奏效。

"Happy couples do behave certain ways and think more positively， but this might not be creating their happiness necessarily， it may just reflect their happiness，" McNulty said. "Because when unhappy couples behave and think the same way， over time they actually seem to get worse."
麦克纳尔蒂：“幸福的夫妻确实有着某些积极的行为和思维方式，但是这可能并不是他们幸福的必要来源，它可能只是反映了他们的幸福而已。因为当那些不幸福的夫妇，以同样的方式思考和行为，随着时间的推移，事实上他们只会变得更糟。”

His recent research suggests marital therapies that encourage couples with major issues to be more critical of one another are potentially beneficial.
他最近的研究表明，鼓励有重大问题的夫妇对另一半更加批判苛责，这种婚姻疗法可能会有帮助。

McNulty''s theory is based on four studies conducted over the past decade.

麦克纳尔蒂的理论是基于过去10年的四项研究成果而来的。 In the first， 82 newlywed couples were asked to report eight times over the course of four years on how satisfied they were with their marriage.
首先，82对新婚夫妻在4年间共8次报告他们对于婚姻的满意程度。

 

The couples had been asked at the beginning of their marriage whether they expected to grow stronger in their relationship or to experience rough patches along the way.
这些夫妇在新婚初被问及，他们是希望婚姻关系变得更加牢固，还是希望在未来的婚姻生活中历经一些磨难。

The results， published in 2004， showed that having positive expectations about the relationship helped only if the couples met these expectations， McNulty said. Couples with more problems did better if they had expected to encounter obstacles.
麦克纳尔蒂说，2004年公布的结果表明，那些对婚姻有着积极期望的夫妇，只有期望得以实现，它们才会对婚姻有帮助。而对于那些问题不断的夫妇，如果他们已经预见到困难和障碍，他们就会做的更好。

"I like to think about this finding like I would think about a student，" McNulty said. "Some students are capable of getting A''s， some students have to settle for B''s and C''s. If a student just doesn’t have the skills to get A''s， they''re probably going to be disappointed if they always expect to get A''s. And so that student might do better to expect B''s and C''s."
“对待这个问题，我更倾向把它比作面对一个学生，”麦克纳尔蒂说。“一些学生有能力获得A，而一些学生很努力却只能获得B和C。如果一个学生没有能力得到A，却总是希望得到A，那他很可能会失望。而那些期待B的和C的学生可能做的更好”

McNulty and his colleagues also looked at whether people tended to hold their partners accountable for negative behavior or excused that behaviour. (For example: If your partner ignored you， was it because of who your partner is， or because of some outside influence， such as an enormous workload?)
麦克纳尔蒂和他的同事们还研究了一个问题，人们是否往往认为他们的伴侣应为消极行为或推脱该行为负责。（例如：如果你的伴侣不理你，是因为他的身份，或者是因为一些外界影响，如工作太忙？）Using data from the previous study and from a second study of 169 couples， published in 2008， the researchers found that， among couples with fewer problems， the ones more satisfied with their marriage usually wrote off negative behaviors as something outside their partner''s control. Among couples with more problems， the ones with higher marital satisfaction directly blamed the spouse for his or her bad acts.
根据以往的研究数据，以及2008年发布的针对169对夫妇的第二项研究数据，研究人员发现，问题较少的夫妻，之所以会对他们的婚姻更加满意，是因为他们通常对伴侣控制力以外的消极行为不予理睬。而问题较多的夫妻中，具有较高的婚姻满意度的人却是直接指责伴侣的不当行为。

"If your partner on average is rarely engaging in negative behaviors， if you don''t have very many problems， then it’s best to give the partner the benefit of the doubt，" McNulty said. "Even if your partner deserves to be held accountable for a specific event， if it doesn’t happen very often， it''s better to sort of look the other way， to look at the bright side."
麦克纳尔蒂说：“如果你的伴侣总的来讲很少有问题行为，如果你也没有很多的问题，那么最好还是让他经历一些困惑，这也是有好处的。反之，即使你的伴侣应该被追究某一特定事件的责任，但是如果不经常发生，最好还是换个角度看待问题，多关注好的一面。”

But， he added， “if you have a partner who''s constantly getting into trouble， having problems outside the relationship， inside the relationship， if they''re big problems， then it''s not such a good idea to look the other way."
但是他补充说，“如果你的伴侣麻烦不断，各个方面问题多多，而且如果还都是大问题，那就不建议这样做了。”

In another study， McNulty examined how couples'' problem-solving behavior related to the quality of their marriage. When discussing a problem， did they blame or reject the partner or command their partner to change， and did that help or harm their marriage?
在另一项研究中，麦克纳尔蒂探讨了夫妻解决问题的行为方式与其婚姻质量的关系。当讨论一个问题时，他们是不是指责或拒绝伴侣？或命令自己的伴侣做出改变？而这些是否会帮助或伤害他们的婚姻呢？ The study involved 72 newlywed couples reporting on their marital satisfaction eight times over five years， as well as 135 newlyweds who reported marital satisfaction three times in one year.
这项研究涉及72对新婚夫妻，5年多来8次汇报他们的婚姻满意度，还有135名新人一年内三次汇报他们的婚姻满意度。

"The couples that faced severe problems did better to the extent that they were slightly more negative” in their behavior， McNulty said.
麦克纳尔蒂说，在一定程度上，那些面临的严重问题的夫妻做的更好，尽管他们在婚姻中有些轻微的消极行为。

But why would such acrimonious exchanges be beneficial?
但是，为什么会这样激烈的交流反而会是有益的呢？

Motivational toolThere''s evidence to suggest negative exchanges motivate partners to change and avoid the bad behavior in the future， McNulty said.
麦克纳尔蒂说，有证据显示，负交流可以激励伴侣去改变，并避免在未来的不良行为.

"The downside obviously is that it doesn''t make couples feel good in the moment to do that，" McNulty said. "But it may motivate them to strengthen their relationship over time."
麦克纳尔蒂说，一个很明显的不足就是，它会使夫妇当时的感觉不是很好。但久而久之，它可以增进夫妻关系。

McNulty also showed in a 2008 study that couples who were extremely likely to forgive each other did well only if their partners did not engage in "bad" behavior， such as bestowing insults， often.
麦克纳尔蒂在2008年的一项研究表示，只有当伴侣没有“坏”行为时，如受辱，那些极易原谅对方的夫妻才可能做得很好。